I’ve been sober for over 14 years now, some more challenging than others. This last summer was one of the moments my serenity was heavily tested.
As a media professional for over a decade, I finally had the courage to step out in faith and start my own media company. The staple of that company was a multi-media site for women. It was strenuous. It was hard work, but I loved it. Yet, there was always one issue.
In a moment of fear, I had decided to enlist an old friend into my venture. I let my fear get the best of me, not thinking I could do it alone. About a year into this partnership, I knew that the workload had become unequal and her efforts and care for our company were just not there.
I was starting to regret my choice deeply.
Determined to not give up, I tried to stay on my side of the street when we had conflict. I would attempt to communicate so I wouldn’t get resentful and worked hard to take responsibility for my parts. I thought that we could push past some of the issues if I just kept my side clean, but what I have learned over time, is that you can’t control other people. In this situation, she was unwilling to change.
When I was not sober I was typically in the wrong. I spent years apologizing and clearing my side of the street. It was well into sobriety though that I realized sometimes I am not the sick one. Even though I was often the sick one when I was using, it just is not always the case anymore. When these situations arise, I know I have one of two choices, acceptance of the situation or let it go.
As difficult as it was, after three years, letting go was the only option left. Sometimes people don’t want to get better. Sometimes no matter how hard you try, people don’t want to change.
The process of closing my business was ten times worse than when I worked with my partner.
Sickness mixed with resentment is never a good combo, but I made sure to keep my street clean and work through my owns fears as they arose, instead of covering them up.
Things are still not resolved, but they are as close as they ever will be. I’ve learned through this process though that sometimes you don’t need complete closure to be okay and that letting fear take control leads to bad choices. I can still get fearful of the future, and that’s okay. Fear is not the problem, it’s living in it and letting it take over that leads to my problems. So I choose to push past the fear today.
I don’t know what my next steps will be yet, but I know that if I keep moving forward God will guide me to where I belong. I’ve been sober long enough to realize life happens, good stuff and bad stuff. How I choose to handle it these days though is so much different. I don’t need a drink, or drugs or a pie (although sometimes I go for the pie). I need to fight my fear with faith because, in the end, it’s the only thing that can take the fear out and lead to the peace in life I so deeply desire.
This post was submitted anonymously.