Put Down The Bat!!
The good news? I’m on my way through it, thanks to the unending support from all of you and my recovery community. The bad news? I’m beating myself up for all of the day-to-day things that feel like are slipping through my fingers.
For the sake of getting them out of my body and mind, I feel the need to make a list.
1. I’m not cooking enough. Lately we’ve had more take-out than I’m comfortable with, financially & dietarily.
2. I’m not reading enough books to Little Bear. Far too much electronic babysitter.
3. I’m not “there for” the newer member in my recovery community that might need me on the one-on-one level. I just can’t answer the phone as often lately.
4. My house is quickly approaching pre-episode-of-Hoarder status. Worst part, I should care, but I don’t.
5. I haven’t been very nice to Hubby. He would really like some “attention,” wink, wink. I can’t be bothered. Like, don’t even kiss me.
6. I’ve been spending too much time doing useless things on social media, pretty much wasting time, and I don’t feel at all guilty about it.
I really fought the urge to add things like “Fail. Yuck. Eew.” After each item on my list, but I’m not a failure or yucky. I’m just going through stuff, and feeling stretched a little thin.
I’m learning I can’t be all things, all the time to everyone, and I am not at all pleased about it. I would really love to be, but at the same time, I would really not. That shit is a lot of work, and during my little “time out” from trying to be all things at all times to all people, I’ve discovered that maybe I haven’t let that “people pleasing” thing go as well as I’ve led myself to believe.
Ah, the joys of self-discovery.
Or, maybe I should just put down the bat and quit beating myself up.
Rachel has been in recovery since October 29, 2010, and she’s not afraid to speak out about it. She lives in Michigan with her husband and two daughters.