I’ve had a pretty rough two weeks, my friends. I’m not going to go into the details of all if it, but know it’s been the roughest two weeks since my early days in recovery.
The good news? I’m on my way through it, thanks to the unending support from all of you and my recovery community. The bad news? I’m beating myself up for all of the day-to-day things that feel like are slipping through my fingers.
For the sake of getting them out of my body and mind, I feel the need to make a list.
1. I’m not cooking enough. Lately we’ve had more take-out than I’m comfortable with, financially & dietarily.
2. I’m not reading enough books to Little Bear. Far too much electronic babysitter.
3. I’m not “there for” the newer member in my recovery community that might need me on the one-on-one level. I just can’t answer the phone as often lately.
4. My house is quickly approaching pre-episode-of-Hoarder status. Worst part, I should care, but I don’t.
5. I haven’t been very nice to Hubby. He would really like some “attention,” wink, wink. I can’t be bothered. Like, don’t even kiss me.
6. I’ve been spending too much time doing useless things on social media, pretty much wasting time, and I don’t feel at all guilty about it.
I really fought the urge to add things like “Fail. Yuck. Eew.” After each item on my list, but I’m not a failure or yucky. I’m just going through stuff, and feeling stretched a little thin.
I’m learning I can’t be all things, all the time to everyone, and I am not at all pleased about it. I would really love to be, but at the same time, I would really not. That shit is a lot of work, and during my little “time out” from trying to be all things at all times to all people, I’ve discovered that maybe I haven’t let that “people pleasing” thing go as well as I’ve led myself to believe.
Ah, the joys of self-discovery.
Or, maybe I should just put down the bat and quit beating myself up.
10 Comments
We’ve all been there. Or anyone who hasn’t, just hasn’t been there YET. I’m glad to hear you’re on the way back out.
Yes, I am for sure on the way out & it’s nice to know I’m not the only one that is so hard on myself. Thank you for supporting us!
s2s @ Inspirational ? OR NOT? (y) 3/3
Thank you, Russ!!
And this is why I love you just as if you were my birth sister. You share from your heart and even though you are working through your situations at hand, you still are thinking if the new comer and smile. Yet, you don’t fake it, you’re real. You’re an inspiration and you’re clean. Thank you for sharing your experience, strength and hope.
I love you! It feels so great to be able to share this stuff in a way where I know you will understand & allow me to feel my own insecurities! For that, I am grateful beyond measure!
I don’t ever like to hear that anyone is having a rough time. And it’s easy to tell someone it will get better but it isn’t always easy to feel that way, huh? Just keep digging your way through…the best way you know how. I enjoy interacting with you on social media!! And at least if you aren’t going to put the bat down…make sure you hit the ball out of the park. 😉
I enjoy it too, Lauren! A good laugh is what is getting me through. I love that last line & totally plan to verbally plagiarize the crap out of it. 😉 it will become spoken all over my town in no time. I appreciate the smiles you share!
I get worried when I am *not* going through something that gives me an opportunity to grow or see something in me that I hadn’t seen before, or thought that I already “figured out”. ..ha ha. Sharing that, like you did here, often changes the game for me at the get go. Sometimes the act of talking it out or writing it out already gives for new perspective, and it sounds like it has for you – you’ve realized that putting the bat away is one way to move through this…and certainly we move through things. Everything is impermanent 🙂
Paul
Thank you, Paul! I knew I was on the way out here, but I needed to organize the specific ways I was beating myself up to help stop doing it. Being a part of SM & writing about what goes on in this squirrel cage above my shoulders has helped me so so much. Thank you for the support!