Upon entering recovery, it was suggested that I lean on other women for hope and guidance. I remember thinking that there was no way I could ever trust women. I thought hated women. I thought I related better to men…so I could manipulate them! It was too difficult to manipulate another woman, and that’s really where my introduction to honesty began. I had to be honest with myself about why I feared other women. I feared them because I thought I couldn’t trust them.
I felt that way because I didn’t deserve to be trusted.
I saw women caring for one another in real and authentic ways; helping each other, not trampling the “weak.” I saw strong women allowing themselves to be vulnerable in order to save each other, not faking superiority like I did. Those early experiences with real sisterhood changed me.
Sisterhood is a spiritual experience for me. The women around me wake up my spirit.
Sisterhood is a spiritual experience for me. The women around me wake up my spirit. I cannot function properly without my sisters. I need that feminine strength to show me how to be a woman of high esteem and need to know that it’s okay to feel weak without being fearful of being trampled.
There are still days when I find myself wanting to wear my “Vindictive Bitch” or “Helpless Clinger” masks. They are comfortable and familiar, but most of all they protect me. I don’t have to show the world my real face if I put them on. I don’t have to see my own face as I really am when I wear them. Those masks are my excuse to be less than what I am capable of; an excuse to be vicious or cowering. Sometimes I put them on without even knowing it.
I am eternally grateful for my sisters in recovery today because they are a reflection of me. I don’t have to wear masks because they can see right through them. My sisters allow me to think I’m fooling them for a minute, raise an eyebrow and say,
“Try again, but this time be the real you.”