The Real Question Is: Do I Want To Stay Sober?
The world is hard
Life sucks sometimes, and I question what the hell I’m doing more often than I’d like to admit. Recovery is even harder, the kids are hard, and my marriage is hard. If I let the disease of alcoholism have its way, I will find more reasons to drink that not. I have these moments when I hate myself for allowing my addiction to have control. It’s a crazy tug of war inside my head between what I want to do, and what I should do.
Alcoholism is relentless
I can’t ever say I’m 100% positive that I will never pick up a drink again, and it’s absurd to assume that I can make that kind of promise, even to myself. People new to sobriety often make this mistake. I had a woman come to me with a week sober and fierce determination in her eyes asking how working the steps can guarantee she will stay sober. My response was…it won’t! There are no guarantees, I told her, so don’t put that kind of pressure on yourself.
All we have is today
I made a commitment to myself when I was a few days sober. Sick and tired of the life I was living and desperately wanting to be one of the ones who “make it.” I promised myself that I would NEVER drink again. I wholeheartedly wanted to believe that I alone could take on the evils of addiction and all its might. I underestimated the magnitude of my disease. I spent 21 days in a drug and alcohol facility getting sober and learning the tools to stay clean, and I drank 30 days later. 30 days after the car accident that put me in there.
There are no guarantees
The simple truth? To stay sober YOU HAVE TO REALLY WANT IT! I don’t talk much about the first time I drank after rehab, the memory is still very sharp and the wound is deep. It angers me that I was so reckless. I had been given all the tools, knew all of the steps to take yet, I still drank. I drank because I was scared. I was afraid of what my life was going to be like, and who was left in it to share with me. I let my fear consume me and it totally swallowed up any confidence I had in myself that I could live a sober life.
My fear and my ego took the wheel and before I knew it, I was sitting on the floor of my dining room gulping from a bottle of Captain Morgan. My fear was just as menacing as my disease.
I took a deep breath, thought about my life and what I wanted, then made the decision to turn my will over to a high power, something greater than myself, whatever was out there and was willing help me, guide me, save me from myself.
I didn’t get all of the answers, and I still don’t have them, but I have today. Four years sober and living a life I love being present in. My fears of the “what-if’s” or the “what-now” are gone. My perception of my alcoholism has shifted, and I am willing to give up the booze for every other wonderful gift life has offered me.
I am proof that a sober life is a great life; even when it sucks!
This post was submitted by Amy B. and originally appeared on Sober Mommies in April 2018
A Sober Mommies Contributor is most often a non-professional – in and out of recovery – with reality-based experience to share about motherhood & active addiction, the multiple pathways to recovery, or a family member’s perspective.