Dear Alcohol…

When I got sober I went to detox, and then to an outpatient program. For over a year I attended an early recovery group meeting once a week along with therapy and a 12-step program. I was asked to write this letter…a goodbye letter to my addiction.

Dear Alcohol,

I’m not even sure where to begin…what to say. I’m writing this letter to say goodbye. I never really thought I’d ever say those words to you, or really let you go.

You’ve been my rock for so long; my everything.

Whether good or bad you have been the one thing I could count on. I trusted you… I put my faith in you… and you let me down. You promised you’d keep me safe, that nothing would hurt. You promised I could do anything with you by my side, and I’d be the best at it. You whispered in my ear you’d never leave me, that you’d always be there.

You lied.

You lied and lied, and then lied some more. The truth is you didn’t make anything better. You didn’t help me fix anything. You didn’t protect me from all the bad.

You left me out there to hang myself. You didn’t make my life better. I wasn’t prettier. I wasn’t a better mom. The friends you told me I’d make, the places I would be able to go as long as I had you with me…they weren’t real. It was just one big fantasy.

I still hurt, and I was still alone.

You took my life apart, piece-by-piece, and destroyed it.

At first I didn’t notice it was you. I thought it was “them,” it couldn’t be you because you were my friend.

But it was you; it really was. I tried so many times to leave you; to walk away with the confidence that I could live without you, but you kept calling.

So nagging and convincing, you got me every time. I believed the next time would be different. The more I tried, the harder and harder it got to walk away.

I knew it wasn’t right, you weren’t right, but I just kept going back for more. You convinced me that if I couldn’t have you, nothing mattered—not my family, my girls, my life, not even Me. You told me there was no Me without you.

But there is. I am Me without you.

The truth is I don’t need you. I don’t need you to fix the problems you create, I don’t need you to feel, and I don’t need you to make me a better person.

All you are is a bottle of lies wrapped up nice and pretty. It’s not real…none of it is real with you, Alcohol…nothing.

So, My Friend, here is where I tell you that I loved you. I loved you more then I loved myself for so long.

But with you I’m no one…with you I’m dead.

So today, My Dear Friend, I bid you farewell.

I’d like to tell you I cant wait to see you again, that I’ll call you soon, but I won’t.

I can’t.

Please don’t call me, don’t reach out. We both know our relationship ends in only one place.

And today, it’s no place I want to be.

original photo credit: ldandersen via photopin cc