“I am 72 days sober, first time, no relapses, and I am feeling good. I want to start a family and get pregnant at 6 months. Is it a bad idea? I have a wonderful marriage and amazingly supportive husband, but my sponsor said I should wait my first year. I am already 31 and don’t want to wait any longer. Any advice?”
~ Lillie
Lillie,
Congrats on your sobriety! Seventy-two days is AMAZING! I am so happy that you are living life without a substance and enjoying it!
Upon reading your question, my first thought is—what is the role of a sponsor? I was always taught that the ONE and ONLY job of a sponsor is to “put your hand into the hand of your higher power.” How is that done? They GUIDE you through the twelve steps. That’s it. The intention of a sponsor is not for them to tell you what to do, give relationship advice, give medical advice or define what your life should look like.
If you decide to continue on with the twelve steps, you will discover that in the text (Alchoholics Anonymous: The Big Book, Narcotics Anonymous: Basic Text) NOWHERE are there defined timelines for when life events become acceptable (having a child, getting into a relationship, etc.). These are suggestions that people in the program have come up with over time and passed along through the fellowship. And while sometimes these suggestions may be on point–your sobriety is not contingent on them.
With all that being said, let’s talk baby.
Pregnancy is HARD. Babies are HARD. Don’t get me wrong–motherhood has been the most beautiful and rewarding experience of my life. But there are times where it has almost broken me.
I had two years of sobriety when I was pregnant, and I can remember times where the hormones had me out of control. Pregnancy brought up a lot of unresolved trauma that I had NO idea was inside of me. It was one of the most painful and difficult times in my life. Looking back, I wish that I had given myself more time to heal before I got pregnant. I did not have the experience that I had always wanted.
I also would advise that you explore what led you to reach out to us and ask if we thought this was a good idea. I have learned that if I have to ask someone else–my gut is telling me something. If I need someone else to validate that my decision is okay, it’s usually not a good idea–or maybe I just need more time to process before making a choice. I have learned to trust and to honor those instincts.
With all that being said – no matter what you decide to do – you can ABSOLUTELY maintain your recovery through it. And we will be here to help you along the way! We wish you the best Lillie and please stay in touch!
Sending positive vibes,
Hillary